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Humor, Quotations, Anecdotes, Nonsense

Texas, Circa 1995
by TheEtruscan at 14:08 January 18, 1996

      I had lived in Texas for three years and I was still finding it
      amusing.  Texas must be a state of mind.

      After moving to Texas I lived first in Arlington. Once I went to
      the grocery store to buy a bottle of wine and no matter how hard
      I looked I could not find any. Later I learned that Arlington is
      "dry" but it is legal to have an aisle full of beer!

      I knew I was in trouble when at the pawn shop the country music
      CDs were locked more securely than the guns.

      I lived for ten years in Toronto, Canada and for fifteen years in
      Southern California and very few people ever questioned my accent
      (I am an Italian).  In Texas almost everyone does. If I was
      going to attempt to lose my accent, I would certainly not pick a
      Southern accent!

      During a lunch in the break area at my work I was saying that my
      eldest daughter (born and raised in North America) after
      graduating from UCLA was in Japan teaching English and a Level
      one support person interjected: "What with an accent?"  I didn't
      know that accents were hereditary.

      I am having lunch with an English woman I am meeting through the
      personal ads and I am complaining what a horrible experience I
      am having in Texas because of my accent.  No, no, they are
      beautiful, warm people she tells me.  Later she tells me she
      almost had a nervous breakdown when she first moved to Texas
      because of the hard time she was experiencing!

      AT&T has now a "True Voice" program. So here I am trying to say:
      "OPERATOR" into the mouthpiece and I succeed after a moment of
      panic on my second attempt.  Later I learn from an article that
      the Brits cannot connect at all.  So much for the mother country!

      Recently I bought a house in Colleyville and as I drove along
      Glade Road I counted five churches (there are at least sixteen
      churches in all of Colleyville - population 16,000).  If there
      were a God, which one would He choose?

      I dated a Texan woman and we broke up because I didn't get along
      with her eleven years old daughter who thinks I am strange when her
      father has supervised visiting rights because of something he did.

      She also thinks it is all right for her father to have a
      girlfriend but not for her mother to have a boyfriend. (It would
      be interesting to know what her father does with his girlfriend
      since he liked catamites but this is an entirely different
      matter).  Analytical thinking must be a subject not taught
      in the religious school she attends.  If it were the pupils
      could start thinking for themselves and question the Bible.
      Very undesirable and outrageously liberal.

      Religious schools and home schooling are getting very popular in
      Texas.  Texas twin state is Oklahoma.  Oklahoma is even more
      religious than Texas.  The divorce rate in Oklahoma is twice the
      national average.

      The above Texan woman in a complete makeover is now in the C & W
      scene. There is a place called Cowboys in Arlington that seems
      very popular so I decided to check it out but I could not go
      passed the sidewalk of the main entrance because the smell of
      smoke was so overwhelming.

      Orange County in Southern California is conservative because
      people there think they are rich or they are going to be rich.
      In Texas people are conservative even when poor because they are
      so righteous.

      My daughter and I stopped at a McDonald's in Abilene, Texas on
      her way to take one of my cars to California. As she was looking
      at the menu she made the point that some hamburger combinations
      were priced cheaper in Californa. They must be bigger in Texas
      proclaimed the proud Texan McDonald helper!